So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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