Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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