This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
the raccoons are back...
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