how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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