watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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