my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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