I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
