I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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