We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
