you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
