Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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