so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
