If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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