and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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