Don't make out with my wife yet
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
