She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
