i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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