he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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