I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I am one with the molecules
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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