I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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