You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
