Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
