if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
