god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize