i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
not ubering you a puppy
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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