ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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