Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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