I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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