I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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