I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
