I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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