My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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