I hate all girls vehemently.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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