Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
