Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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