Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
