You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I can't turn off my feet"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
