he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
