do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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