I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
