Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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