I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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