I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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