I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
