Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Who put my cat in the fridge?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
