You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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