my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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