Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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