Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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