we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
