Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
