oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize