Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
