I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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