It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
what day is it and did you see me today?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
