Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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