Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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