I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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