We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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