i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
