the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
