So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
