Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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