it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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