My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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