i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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