I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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